While we are painfully aware of the violence some teens face in the daily lives, as parents we must remember that our children's social struggles can begin long before the teen years in the form of bullying. Often thought of as just "part of growing up," behaviors associated with bullying or the trauma that comes with being a bully's victim can cause serious, long-lasting problems for children.

Both victims and bullies need our help, and it's important to recognize the myths about bullies and the warning signs indicating that your may child be bullying other children or is the victim of bullying. Additionally, there are strategies parents can use to help kids gain the skills needed to be more effective socially or to advocate more effectively themselves.

Dispelling the Myths

A number of myths abound about bullies and victims of intimidation and aggression in school:

• Have you heard that boys bully more often than girls do? You may be surprised to learn that girls bully just as much as boys do, but typically with words instead of fists. Verbal aggression can be just as damaging as physical aggression, sometimes more so.



• Do you think victims of bullying look or act in ways that encourage others to bully them? Certainly not true. While a bully may target a child based on his or her diversity, victims are usually chosen without a great deal of thought. Things usually get out of hand when adults or peers fail to step in to stop the bullying.



• Lastly, do you believe bullies are just mean-spirited kids who need some good old-fashioned discipline? The truth is, bullies aren't necessarily "bad" kids. A bully may be a child that lacks the skills necessary to fit in and feel good about himself without bringing others down in the process. And sometimes a bully is a child who is seeking attention as a way of coping with difficult family situations.



Is My Child a Bully?

Acknowledging that your child may be bullying other children is difficult. But you know your child best, and you probably already know if he is having difficulty relating positively to other children. The following warning signs should, at the very least, encourage you to help your child socialize in ways that are more effective.

Consider whether the following traits describe your child:

• Controlling
• Hot tempered
• Bossy with friends or siblings
• Persistent about getting his own way
• Challenging with authority figures
• Often angry especially if his feelings are hurt
• Insensitive to the needs of others
• Intimidating to other children
• Likely to name call or tease
• An attention seeker
• Easily frustrated



Strategies for Teaching Effective Social Skills

• Provide structure and clear boundaries. Talk to your child about acceptable ways to behave with others. You owe it to your child to be clear about what you expect of him.



• Set limits and follow through effectively. If you want your child to get the message that bullying others is unacceptable, you will need to consistently follow through with appropriate consequences.



• Validate feelings and assist with verbal expression. Your child may not have the effective communication skills to get what she needs and wants. Role model the positive ways she can get her needs met.



• Seek professional help. Often a bully's attention seeking behavior is his attempt to deal with his feelings about difficult family matters. Get the help you need to address the tough issues that may be affecting your family.