G. Situational Approachability: Approaches or Withdraws?

• Is your child always eager to try something new, always happy to make a new friend, always brimming with curiosity?
• Or is she cautious and slow to warm up to new people and activities?

If your child approaches new people and situations with eagerness, encourage this positive social skill by exposing him to new experiences and showing your support. The drawback to this temperament is sometimes a lack of commitment to focus on or finish any one thing. Your social butterfly may need to learn how to stick with something long enough to master it, or to spend enough quality time with one child to benefit from a "best friend" relationship.

We often label more cautious children as "shy." This isn't really accurate, however, and is no way to create a healthy self-image. Instead, you need to help others (and she herself) see her temperament as positive. When someone calls your child "shy," carefully change this to "reserved" or "thoughtful"; if someone comments that he's "quiet," point out that he has a long attention span and is very focused. Learn to appreciate the strengths of your child's reserve, and your child eventually will, too.

Other ways to encourage your child:

- ease him slowly into meeting strangers
- avoid putting him in the spotlight
- refrain from talking for him when he's framing a response

H. Sensitivity: Sensitive or Not Sensitive?

• Do shirt tags, sock seams, bright lights, and loud sounds bother your child?
• Or does she mainly ignore these things?

Once you see that your child has a high sensitivity level, you'll be more apt to tolerate unusual or annoying complaints. A highly sensitive child typically has a low pain tolerance, so even the smallest booboo calls for tender loving care. As annoying as fixing that sock seam or cutting off that tag can be, these are simple, quick tasks that can placate a whiny, fussing child.

At the other end of the scale, you need to keep an eye on the less sensitive child so you don't miss something. A child like this may live with a wart on his finger or a lump on his foot for a year before ever telling you about it. A great way to stay abreast of any physical changes is to incorporate a back rub into your post-bath routine so that you can spot-check for health issues.

I. Persistence: Prevailing or Despairing?

• When the going gets tough, does your child get impatient and frustrated — and then give up?
• Or does he keep trying no matter how long it takes or how difficult the task?

A persistent child has a trait that will serve him well as he grows up…and drive a parent crazy along the way! Since your persistent child won't take "no" for an answer, simply avoid giving a direct command whenever possible. Instead, offer a choice: "Do you want to put on your pajamas or brush your teeth first?" This child also likes to have a say in what's happening, so asking for and considering your child's input when appropriate can help things run more smoothly.

A child who lacks persistence can be easier to raise in some ways: He typically does as he's told without fuss. He can frustrate a parent, however, with his seeming inability to finish any task, or his unwillingness to try very hard when an obstacle stands in the way. This child requires gentle encouragement and a guiding hand. Saying, "You can do it" isn't enough; he needs you to actually help get things started just to reassure him that he can accomplish the task.

Temper Your Temperament?

Here's a thought: Where do you stand, temperament-wise? It's just as important for you to be aware of your own makeup. Consider the traits listed here: You may suddenly realize that many of your battles with your child are due simply to the way your traits mesh or conflict with your child's. Exploring your own nature as it relates to your child's may help you modify your parenting actions to gain the most peace between you.

So then, what if your temperament differs from your child's? That can be difficult, no question. For example, I'm clearly "active," while my own mother is "quiet." If I had a nickel for every time she said, "Slow down!" or "Sit still!" to me during my childhood, I could retire in style. She could do the same if she were similarly compensated for every time I implored her to hurry up. My mom lives with me now, and adulthood has changed neither of our temperaments. I'm still in constant motion, and she still moves slowly. What has changed? Our acceptance of each other's pace. And this acceptance has enabled us to enjoy each other for who we are, without insisting on change.

If you're an "active" parent with a "quiet" child, you're probably stressed by your child's dawdling and daydreaming. Conversely, if you're a "quiet" parent with an "active" child, you're probably frazzled by your child's constant activity. It's much better to identify this clash than to deny it, so you can handle it better. Of course, that doesn't mean you'll enjoy the difference, but being aware of it frees you to deal with it more realistically.

Parenting With Temperament in Mind

Parenting is more enjoyable if you keep the child's temperament in mind. Of course, no parent can respond in a textbook way to each and every situation, and let's face it: sometimes you just want your child — temperament or not — to do what you want him to do, without any excuse or delay.

Underlying any good advice about parenting is the admonition simply to do your best. When you succeed, enjoy it. And when you can't — let your love fill in the blanks, and everything will turn out fine in the end.