This typical Saturday finds my nine-year-old son, David, in full football gear, tackling our 13-year-old neighbor Zack in the yard. We can hear David's whoops and cheers throughout the house. He'll show up in the kitchen sooner or later, dirty and hungry (make that very dirty and ravenously hungry), most likely with Zack in tow. He'll whirl through the house, leaving a trail of noise and clutter in his wake. No one with ears ever has to ask where David is.

Eleven-year-old Vanessa, on the other hand, sits at the kitchen table poring over her art kit, carefully choosing a color scheme for a drawing. She'll be at this quite a while since, as in nearly everything in her life, Vanessa doesn't rush. She ponders.

Two children. Same parents. Same home. Yet so very different in temperament. Even before birth, babies show their unique temperaments. Some are extremely active in utero — kicking, prodding, and shifting at all hours. They are active newborns, breastfeeding every hour day and night, announcing their presence in no uncertain terms — like my David. Others seem to sway in the womb, with gentle butterfly movements and slow-motion rolls. As newborns, they cry little, sleep regularly, and shower everyone with peaceful, intense smiles. You guessed it — like my Vanessa.

Numerous studies have shown that temperament is apparent in infancy and remains consistent throughout life. Parents who ignore a child's inborn nature are doomed to struggle against it, while parents who identify and work with it find the parenting journey more pleasant.

Perhaps the best parenting move you can make right now is to form a picture of your child's temperament. This will help you devise the unique approach that's best suited to your unique child. But where to start?

Following are specific areas psychologists use to evaluate a person's one-of-a-kind makeup, along with hints on parenting each type of child:

A. Activity Level: Active or Quiet

• Is your child's body usually calm or in motion?
• Is he on the go all day?
• Does he fidget and squirm, or is he able to relax and sit still for long periods of time without protest?

Your child's not in constant motion just to annoy you; an internal clock sets his pace. Take advantage of this by giving an active child plenty of time and space, every day, to "let off steam." Look for creative ways to funnel that energy. Try sports activities, or even create obstacle courses in your backyard. Healthy energy outlets will help your active child be calmer when he needs to be.

Patience and planning are important, too. Don't expect an active child to sit through a lengthy restaurant dinner, a long church service, or any other stationary event: Such unrealistic expectations run contrary to the way your child is made and will only end in frustration. Keep a bag of quiet activities on hand just in case you do find yourselves in such a situation, and be willing to take a fidgety child for a walk.

With a quiet child, allow extra time for her to get organized. She may need more time for simple tasks, such as tying shoes or dressing. Be practical: When you're in a hurry, save yourself some stress and tie those shoes yourself. She can practice lacing later.

B. Intensity of Emotion: High or Moderate Intensity?

• Does the whole world know when your child is happy or angry?
• Does he have intense responses to life and display his emotions without reserve?
• Or is your child more thoughtful and mild?
• Do you find that you often have to guess at your child's feelings?

When a child reacts with high emotional intensity in any given situation, the parent typically responds in kind. For example, a child who is screaming in a temper tantrum or shouting in anger usually causes a parent to raise her voice to an equal volume. But this doesn't teach a child how to control his own emotions and often escalates the situation. As difficult as it may be, thoughtful action and reasonable voice are the best responses. Over time, enough parental modeling can help an intense child learn to control himself.

Try the "Stop-Space-Regroup-Redo" technique:

Stop: When you begin to feel angry, stop. Stop talking. Stop moving. Defuse your own emotions first so you can help your child.

Space: Put some distance between yourself and your child. If your child is a baby, toddler, or preschooler, put her in a safe spot (in her crib or the arms of another person). If your child is older, remove yourself from the situation with a good exit line: "I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back."

Regroup: Take some deep breaths and think over the situation. Calm yourself down and decide how you will handle things. This is far better than simply reacting in the heat of the moment.

Redo: Come back to your child with a clear idea of what you are trying to accomplish.

You may think that a child with moderate emotional intensity is the easier to raise, but this isn't always the case. These children are often very hard to read. They mope, sulk, or hide when they are having strong feelings. These children need help expressing themselves.

Approach a child like this gently and offer a guess on her feelings to open up discussion: "It seems like you're feeling sad because you couldn't go with Daddy today." This isn't a one-time tactic – you must keep talking and listening right on through the teenage years. It can be a lot of work, and you'll feel sometimes that letting her mope is easier than drawing her out. If you can help her understand and express her feelings as often as you can, however, she'll be a much happier person.